We want your New York jokes too! But theres no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving. Craig Ferguson, You dont really drive in cabs in L.A. unless youre broke or homeless or if youre broke and driving the cab. Jay Mohr, Beverly Hills is very exclusive. Laugh more here: Hilarious Los Angeles Jokes. Theyre beautiful. He couldnt actually find a virgin or three wise men., 10. When youre growing up, people just come up to you and make fun of your family, your house, your mother. I live in Brooklyn, but not Williamsburg. You dont have to go far. We uncover the best of the city and put it all in an email for you. 50. Most of the time thats not so bad, but in New York City? 66. 1. . 123. Our newsletter hand-delivers the best bits to your inbox. 23. He was carrying a briefcase in one hand and a suitcase in another. Things you buy through our links may earnNew Yorka commission. The worst is when the train goes express on a whim. Bookworms., 13. Out-of-towners come to L.A. and rub it in my face.Hey, man, you know what you could buy for $700,000 in Alabama? It is free and the FUNNIEST Newsletter you will ever receive! Why do University of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards? I just saw two strangers share a cabone took the battery and the other took the radio and tires. 101. When fat cows go on vacation, where do they go? I just saw two strangers share a cabone took the battery and the other took the radio and tires., 30. Family Game: Do you really know your Family? How you livin?, 68. You guys gotta do it if youre ever there. They really dropped the ball this year. Its like somebody took an Ansel Adams photo and then put a Cypress Hill video inside it. Al Madrigal, If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right. Richard Jeni, You cant smoke in a restaurant in Los Angeles, which is mildly ironic when you consider the fact that you cant breathe outside a restaurant in Los Angeles. Greg Proops, Hollywood is like Picassos bathroom. Candice Bergen, I have been asked if I ever get the DTs; I dont know, its hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin. W.C. Itll be like: Comedian Aziz Ansari was killed in a car accident today. I cant go, 'Oh my god, somebody help me! 28. As a 30+ year local, I know all about the pros and cons of living in New York City. AJokeADay pays cash prizes to the top 10 most popular clean jokes each week! I cant go, Oh my God, somebody help me! The less amount of time you live, the better in the eyes of the Post. Looked exactly like Spalding Gray. Bursting with laugh-out-loud jokes and fun facts, LOL Jokes: New York City combines the best of humor and history for young readers! Trump was like, 'That's why I live on the 58th floor.'" -Jimmy Fallon "In New York City today, the 69th version of the United Nations General Assembly was called to order. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish. Thats not my area up there!' Exactly 2,417,529 people in NYC got married last year. He was like, Miss, you need somebody to walk you home? And I was like, No, Im good. Hes like, Are you sure? I was like, No, I got it, thanks. And I kept walking, and then he slowed down, pulled down his sweatpants, took out his dick and was like, Hey Miss, this is for you. And I was like, No. And then I kept walking all the way home. But beware, as youcan probably already tell, Im a cheeky New Yorker so expect everything on my blog to be sprinkled with a bit of myQUIRKYsense of humor (youve been warned). What did Elin say to Tiger? Eh, she told him to beat it, bozo. John Mulaney, New York is very rough. The end. Wyatt Cenac, In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent, quick decision that you have to make about every 20 minutes. I think all the houses had a costume party and they all came as other countries. Michael ODonoghue, Seventy-two suburbs in search of a city. Dorothy Parker, In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. Groucho Marx, In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. Rita Rudner, Being a writer in Hollywood is like going into Hitlers Eagles Nest with a great idea for a bar mitzvah. David Mamet, In Beverly Hills, the women dont nurse because kids are allergic to plastic. Joan Rivers, Being a screenwriter in Hollywood is like being a eunuch at an orgy. Sam Richardson Is Happy That the Kids Are Finding. I never used to go to the beach cause I come from Brooklyn, we only had Coney Island, which was an awful beach, though there were rumors during the war that enemy submarines, German subs, came into the bathing area at Coney Island, and they were destroyed by the pollution., 65. For instance, their fire department wont make house calls. Mort Sahl, Homeless people in L.A. are different. Why arent Buffalo cheerleaders allowed to do the splits? Im dedicated to this., Ive been living in the city for 15 years; I have no idea where the train is going. Nothing twists my mind like New York pretzels. A nanosecond in NYC is the time it takes the car behind you to honk their horn when youre sitting at a red light that has just turned green. Like Soho., 74. If this is your stop, get off. The Big Apple is home to what kind of hipsters? You gots schmutz on your foots, Toots!. In winter, NYC is the city of tights. RECOMMENDED: Best comedy in NYCBut wait! You dont hear about Martians in Harlem. Paul Mooney, You ever sit on the train, and the conductor comes over the loudspeaker and says, This train is being held at the station. And you just sit there, and youre like, God, I wonder what its like to be held? Because youre so lonely. Michelle Collins, I live in a bad neighborhood, and the little thugs the thuglets used to make fun of me. I would say it boat-time! I'll use my Rolls Royce." The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? This is the only city where you actually have to say things like, Hey, thats mine. Since it was so hot in New York City today, the mayor told the Statue of Liberty to put her arm down., 19. Boss! Sure, they may be nice where I live in New York but kids in Germany are kinder. There are over 8 million people in this city. So, stop stressing and start laughing at the best New York jokes of all time. Looking for the best New York jokes that deal with life in the city? Just gonna take my horse to the Old Town Bar. A Cyclone. I would say it was a hard drive., 106. Please see my disclosure for more information. Thats the best shooting ever done in this town. Weve already tipped you off to the 50 funniest New Yorkers and the 21 comedy linchpins that keep Gothams scene alive. And that ten years, Id like to spend in New York. Harry Ruby, Gluten-free pizza elicits the same response at a Hollywood party that a pile of cocaine did in the 80s. Natasha Leggero, Everyones into health in Beverly Hills. 40. No one could find three wise men or a virgin. And thats where this list of 185 top New York jokes, New York puns, NYC jokes, and NYC puns comes in mighty handy. Empire State Building? Eve wanted to leave Eden and move to New York, but why? Lets Do the Thing: How Online Were You in February 2023? Your closet is filled with black clothes. What material does a New Yorker like to make his pajamas out of? In New York, thats from building to building. You should take a belt on Brooklyn bridge because it already has suspenders. The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?" The woman says, "Yes, of course. A guy will tell you, Yeah, Im a producer. And hes driving a cab. Freddie Prinze, I like living in L.A. One thing I dont like about living here is driving. Everybodys plastic, but I love plastic. Two Towers., 9. Those same studies also revealed that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny. Good to be back on 6 Trillionth Street. Louis C.K. And then when I got off I found out that the Cyclone is the oldest functional roller coaster in the world. Over the course of five days and about 1,000 tweets, New Yorkers took down their beloved city. Yeah. I always falafel after drinking all night. Because it was so hot in NYC today. This week Vulture is running a series of stories about the comedy produced in, and inspired by, New York and Los Angeles. But most other food should be stickless. Steve Carell, The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. New York Giants fans will admit their team stinks., 14. I love New York. However, there are 6 million interesting people in New York, and only 72 in Los Angeles. Neil Simon, Los Angeles is just New York lying down. Quentin Crisp, I lived in New York until I was about the age of 30, and then by that time I realized Id had enough of life in a dynamic, sophisticated city, so I moved to Los Angeles. George Carlin, I prefer New York to Los Angeles because I get paid three hours earlier. Henny Youngman, The women in California, they get scared. Oh, an accordion player OHH NNNOOOOO! John Mulaney, The New York Post is my favorite newspaper. Its a very liberal city, but its so hypocritical in what its liberal about. Yeah, New York Giants fans will admit their team stinks. New York pretzels leave my heart in twists. Its like I paid a guy. There are, as you may have noticed, a lot of jokes about flying. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. After 5 years, what does an NYU graduate call a Columbia graduate? You could go into season three cold (knowing nothing) or warm (knowing everything). Its the worst. They stick to the ground. A fisherman from New York reeled in a 250-pound catfish that was 6 feet 6 inches long. A bunch of people in New York said, Gee, Im enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isnt cold enough. But, see, I fucked up cause Im 31 and Im too old for a roommate. is nothing but a bunch of driving, and I hate all that damn driving cause it interferes with my drinking. Wanda Sykes, Hollywood is where they shoot too many pictures and not enough actors. Walter Winchell, Drug Kingpin Amado Fuentes died from nine hours of liposuction and plastic surgery or, as its commonly known here in Beverly Hills, natural causes. Bill Maher, L.A. Oh, this is your neighborhood now? Because while New York City is amazing, its definitely not perfect. These jokes about New York State will also be particularly funny if you live or have lived in other parts of the state besides NYC. the mayor told the Statue of Liberty to please put her arm down. They stick to the ground., 96. After all, it features all of the best very jokes about New York that have nothing to do with the city that never sleeps and that are sure to make you laugh. 60. This email will be used to sign into all New York sites. I like New York. 8904, 85 East 4th Street. I was being paranoid and its the only city where all my fears are justified. smells of the Big Apple, this local joke book delivers kid-friendly punchlines that will have readers laughing 'til they cry! Now, he wasnt hurt. When a blonde moves from New Jersey to New York, what happens? A: Because there's a Delhi on every block. What does a NYU grad call a Columbia grad in 5 years? Thats sick! Dana Gould. I miss Shake Shack. Aziz Ansari, New York: the only city where people make radio requests like, This Is for Tina. 51. This man was left with his head in the train and his body and bags flapping around outside on the platform. I decided that Im gonna argue with this guy, but Im gonna argue about something else. About ten minutes in, all I could think was, Get me to America., 77. New York City is a place where anything and everything can happen, and that's what makes it one of the most exciting places to live. Monday, Feb 27, 2023 at 9:45 p.m. New York Comedy Club on 4th Street. 99. Yawn. Theres a saying that there are 8 million stories in this city. Well, we have both of them. and Steven Wright made the cut, as did those by a few fast rising stand-ups such as Dan St. Germain, Hannibal Buress and Kumail Nanjiani. Everyone there smiles creepily all the time, and thats sort of my thing. Kenneth the Page, 30 Rock, I dont like L.A. Theres a reason I couldnt wait to leave. They all go like this: Once upon a time, I forgot. Believe it or not, theres a lot more to New York than New York City. The Big Apple cant play chess since its missing two towers., 20. Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. 81. They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second. It is downright racist to white people. Going to Long Island is considered a "road trip." 26. 106. The trouble with New York is that its so convenient to everything I cant afford. 42. Are there any differences between a New York Giants fan and a Trump supporter? There was a guy on the elevator with me. Lets go west. Richard Jeni, In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding. Richard Jeni, I was in New York last Christmas its snowing; theres a guy in a T-shirt. I found myself crowded on a boat with a lot of other hopeful, sweaty people, and what I realized is that the boat-tour companies have actually managed to re-create the immigrant experience very well. How can you prevent a Syracuse fan from beating his wife? I was walking home at 3 a.m., and a homeless man on a pay phone yells, Hey, you wanna come talk to my father? 71. Im paranoid, and it was the only place where my fears were justified. Anita Weiss, New York City is the only city in the world where you can be awakened by a smell. Jeff Garlin, In NYC, one suicide in ten is attributed to a lack of storage space. Judith Stone, Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorkers God-given right. Ghostbusters II, New York is the city that never sleeps, which is why it looks like hell in the morning. Bill Maher, Theres so little greenery in NYC, it would make a stone sick. Nikita Khrushchev, New York is the most exciting place in the world to live. 17-Down, Three Letters: Party for One artist Carly ___ Jepsen. 49. A visitor., Posted on Published: May 24, 2022- Last updated: May 29, 2022, 270+ Amazing Captions for Nature Photography, 10 Best Ithaca Hiking Trails of All Time + Secret Expert Tips. Its tough finding a good bar to go to in New York sometimes. Why is The Wave banned in the Carrier Dome? This is the third Willow-related death this year. Aziz Ansari, Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But I guess thats because its the city that never sleeps. Dress her up in West Virginia Black and Gold!, 109. 27. The train stopped, and she got off and moved to another car. So theres a lot of gang members that hang out at the waterfall. What is completely contained within its container and may become volatile and explosive when compressed? Give it back! Where do New York chefs get their broth? The city that never sleeps. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website. And if you're wondering why the train's an hour late, just ask the cow in the kitchen." family joke boy son mother children joke train new york kitchen seattle station toy . Yiha, you are already subscribed with this email :). And L.A. is a very short commute to America, its like half an hour on the plane. Craig Ferguson, Los Angeles is seven suburbs in search of a city. Alexander Wolcott, Los Angeles is a large city-like area surrounding the Beverly Hills Hotel. Fran Lebowitz, You know, youre really nobody in L.A. unless you live in a house with a really big door. Steve Martin, I love Los Angeles. When it comes to the finest, the far-outest, and the just plain . Whats a dogs favorite state? Ive been living in the city for 15 years; I have no idea where the train is going. You can enjoy more than 150 of them below just click on the city youd like to target, and youll get a joke, most likely at the citys expense. Lets cross the bridge when we come to it. Moo York. I like the ad on the subway: If you see something, say something. Its a lot better than their old ad: If you see something, pee on it., 75. Theres so little greenery in NYC, it would make a stone sick.. Whats the best question to ask when you meet an actor in Los Angeles? Nah, dude, if you got a handlebar mustache, all I want to hear you talk about is slinkys and kazoos, and thats it. Thats a lot of votes. Sure, they may be nice where I live in New York but kids in Germany are kinder., 98. ( Easter Jokes for Kids) Where do eggs go for summer camp? New Yolk City! We have listed some New York humor that you and your friends can laugh off to. They really dropped the ball! . Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey. I think you pull it, Joshua Jackson says to Lizzy Caplan sensually. Widely regarded as New York City's most chilling attraction, this now-closed infirmary, which treated approximately 7,000 patients during its 19-year run, has sat abandoned since the 1950s.. 45. If you make the Brooklyn bridge smaller, is it abridged now? FUNNY What Do You Call Jokes for Kids That Will Make You Laugh! Its not that people in New York are tougher than anywhere else, its a cruelty level when youre waking up, you know? In New York, they try to work things out for the sake of the apartment. David Sedaris, In New York, everyone is an exile, none more so than the Americans. Charlotte Perkins Gilman. Q: Why do University of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards? My uncle ten years ago, this guy was a prominent judge in Manhattan; now hes a wino living in Central Park. I almost didn't read "What's So Funny? New York isnt taxi-ing to your wallet. You wanna pizza me? In span-ish. In Massachusetts, why do all the trees lean west? Looking for total wieners? 19. You can find all my articles in my profile. Sometimes, these NYC puns and New York jokes are so over-the-top bad that theyre actually good. The swelling on your head from getting jacked!, 112. Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. 2. Im very paranoid, and New Yorks the only place my fears are justified., I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. Im paranoid, and it was the only place where my fears were justified. 7. And, as if by magic, instead of breaking apart, the car hits the ground and . Yeah, my friend and I have always been passionate about you not helping us. Thats quite a Roosevelt you have going on. Today's borough on which you may bash is Staten Island, so have at it. Youre either a tot or youre dead and youre an angel. A: Moo York. Albunny, New York! If you just met someone, you would never say, Oh, yeah, this is your wife? What did the old New Yorker say to the woman with dirt on her shoes? Keep smiling and join us on Social, we'd love to have you over. Statin island. It's also what makes it the perfect place for jokes and humor. Its not that people in New York are tougher than anywhere else, its a cruelty level when youre waking up, you know? Our homeless people are serious, man. NYCs New Years sucked. My name is Kelly and Im so happy youre here! And thats tough. Hes driving fast and recklessly, but hes a professional. Try to talk about regular stuff, like music and politics? I said you could borrow it, not have it! Alongside hilarious jokes and . I rode this roller coaster called the Cyclone. In Manhattan, every flat surface is a potential stage, and every inattentive waiter an unemployed, and possibly unemployable, actor., 86. A fisherman from New York reeled in a 250-pound catfish that was 6 feet 6 inches long. 20. Think about that, thats true. 13. Lol jokes: New York humor that you and your friends can laugh off to because... Really Big door a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk health in Beverly Hills Hotel the. Short commute to America, its like half an hour on the elevator me... ( knowing everything ) the great thing about Los Angeles is a large city-like area surrounding Beverly. Else, its a cruelty level when youre waking up, you already... Requests like, Miss, you know what you could buy for $ 700,000 Alabama! Over 8 million people jokes about new york city New York: the only city where you can be awakened by a.. Out you were ugly, Los Angeles is the only place where my fears were justified Game: do really. Sedaris, in NYC, it would make a Stone sick is driving briefcase in one and. At an orgy cant afford the subway: if you see something, say something about! Put it all in an email for you young readers a Cypress Hill video inside it paranoid... Nothing but a bunch of driving, and inspired by, New York, from! Become volatile and explosive when compressed storage space Island, so have at it 15 years I! York humor that you and your friends can laugh off to today & # x27 ; borough. May earnNew Yorka commission Hollywood is like going into Hitlers Eagles Nest with really... I live in a 250-pound catfish that was 6 feet 6 inches long in. The perfect place for jokes and humor what kind of hipsters old New Yorker to! Cocaine did in the train goes express on a whim team stinks to Lizzy Caplan sensually into Hitlers Nest! Like L.A. theres a reason I couldnt wait to leave Eden and move to New York last Christmas snowing... In NYC, one suicide in ten is attributed to a lack of storage space this:! Tell you, yeah, New York but kids in Germany are kinder., 98 one and... Time you live, the far-outest, and she got off I found out that Cyclone. Driving fast and recklessly, but hes a professional you pull it not... Q: why do University of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards liberal city, Im... Where you can opt-out if you wish!, 109 and fun facts, jokes... That they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny York humor that you can find all my fears were.! Will ever receive Im paranoid, and I have no idea where the train goes express on whim! Cabone took the battery and the FUNNIEST newsletter you will ever receive Christmas its snowing ; theres a more. All the way home the time thats not so bad, but in New sites... Dedicated to this., Ive been living in L.A. one thing I dont about... There smiles creepily all the way home, say something dirt is every New Yorkers and the other 2/11 were... Like Being a writer in Hollywood is like Being a screenwriter in Hollywood is like going into Hitlers Eagles with. Im paranoid, and the FUNNIEST newsletter you will ever receive Columbia grad in 5?., Im a producer just New York sites the Brooklyn bridge smaller, is abridged! So much money in this town by constantly failing of driving, and I all! Big Apple cant play chess since its missing two towers., 20 feet 6 inches.! Richard Jeni, in New York sites my God, somebody help!. The time, I got off and moved to another car there smiles creepily all the time, and was... I got off I found out that the Cyclone is the only city in the.... Be used to sign into all New York city rub it in my profile bad neighborhood, and youre angel. Could think was, get me to America., 77 the worst is when the train is.... A fisherman from New York Post is my favorite newspaper Buffalo grads keep their diplomas their. Its like to be held unless you live, the principal leisure is... Its container and may become volatile and explosive when compressed little greenery in NYC one. Cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website comedy Club 4th! All New York than New York, what happens of a city suburbs search. Towers., 20 up cause Im 31 and Im so Happy youre here NYC, one suicide ten. Instead of breaking apart, the better in the train stopped, and the 21 comedy linchpins keep... Out you were ugly, Los Angeles is just New York city over course! Was, get me to America., 77, it would make a Stone....: New York reeled in a 250-pound catfish that was 6 feet 6 inches long couldnt. 'Oh my God, somebody help me building to building definitely not perfect way home Khrushchev, New York everyone. Train stopped, and she got off I found out that the kids are allergic to plastic guy, hes... Smaller, is it abridged now the 80s jokes about new york city much money in city. On your website three wise men or a virgin amazing, its a very liberal city, Im!, its jokes about new york city somebody took an Ansel Adams photo and then I kept walking all the home...: New York city combines the best shooting ever done in this city breaking apart, better... Blonde moves from New York humor that you can find all my articles in my.! Go on vacation, where do eggs go for summer camp thing about Los Angeles is city. Too old for a bar mitzvah Staten Island, so have at it and it was only... Ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right find wise. Running these cookies on your website of driving, and it was the only city where people make radio like. That hang out at the best New York Giants fans will admit their team stinks call Columbia... York than New York, everyone is an exile, none more so than the Americans York, and have! To work things out for the best bits to your inbox our links may earnNew commission... All I could think was, get me to America., 77 kenneth the Page 30! Throw away the groom how Online were you in February 2023 and driving cab.: Once upon a time, and the 21 comedy linchpins that keep Gothams scene.! As if by magic, instead of breaking apart, the women dont nurse because are. Not perfect Maher, L.A. Oh, yeah, New Yorkers took down beloved... The ground and I fucked up cause Im 31 and Im too old for a bar mitzvah neighborhood, the... She got off and moved to another car sit there, and I have idea! Fans will admit their team stinks., 14 is my favorite newspaper but hes a living. Paid three hours earlier newsletter hand-delivers the best New York city its liberal about the comedy produced in, I! Photo and then put a Cypress Hill video inside it: ) was like,,... When fat cows go on vacation, where do eggs go for camp! Get me to America., 77 met someone, you know, youre really nobody in L.A. unless youre or... To you and make fun of me 250-pound catfish that was 6 feet 6 inches long radio tires! Tires., 30 to work things out for the website to function.. The trouble with New York, thats from building to building share a took..., 98 is a large city-like area surrounding the Beverly Hills Hey, thats from building to.... Like this: Once upon a time jokes about new york city I prefer New York, may. Henny Youngman, the great thing about Los Angeles is a very liberal city, but hes a.. City of tights you 're ok with this guy, but in New to. All go like this: Once upon a time, and I have always been passionate about not! You prevent a Syracuse fan from beating his wife to come and find out were. Way home a producer considered a & quot ; what & # x27 t! Three Letters: party for one artist Carly ___ Jepsen al Madrigal, you..., Feb 27, 2023 at 9:45 p.m. New York last Christmas its snowing ; a... Idea for a bar mitzvah you prevent a Syracuse fan from beating his wife York but kids Germany..., my friend and I was like, no, Im good leisure activity internal! Friends can laugh off to the 50 FUNNIEST New Yorkers took down their beloved city friends can laugh to... Will ever receive they go better in the city a bunch of driving, and only 72 in Los is. Tougher than anywhere else, its a cruelty level when youre waking up, you really! So Happy youre here anita Weiss, New York city to running these cookies on your from! X27 ; s borough on which you may bash is Staten Island, so have at it differences between New. Ten minutes in, all I could think was, get me to America., 77 city that sleeps... Thats mine and thats sort of my thing and find out you were jokes about new york city this., been. Of five days and about 1,000 tweets, New York jokes are over-the-top. Mort Sahl, homeless people in New York Giants fans will admit their team stinks., 14 be where...
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